I got this response to a facebook message I sent to this woman. I love her so much and value her advice!
I have thinking about your question about marriage. I'm not sure that I know how to answer it. And I'm not sure that I'm one that has it all figured out either. I think being married is a decision that you have to make over and over. You make the decision to say yes when he asks and a decision to say i do when the preacher asks and a decision to stay every time he irritates you. I don't think there is such a thing as falling out of love or a fight that you just can't get over or an affair just happening without being able to stop it. It's all a decision that is made. The only thing that I would do different is that I should have worked full time that first year we were married so that he would be used to helping me with the chores around the house. It's virtually the only thing we ever argue about. But I wouldn't change anything big. I think you need to date the person at least a year before getting married and be sure that you really know them. Also know that nothing about that person is going to change once you get married, if it bothers you before marriage, it will bother you after marriage too. My favorite thing about being married is that I know he is always going to be there. I know I have someone to travel with, watch tv with, do nothing with, sleep next to, share my days with, etc. Hope this helps. Feel free to write back with any follow up.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
25, A chapter in Bittersweet
Wisdom is realizing that you're not the one giving grace, but getting to a point where you are so needy of grace.
Figure out what work you really like to do. What do you really like to do?
Walk away from good enough in search of cant live without.
Take time to try different things. Do you like living in a city or a small town? Do you know? Have you lived in both?
Walk closely with people you love. Don't waste your time with people that make you feel less than you are.
Don't try to fastforward yourself into a life you haven't yet earned. Give this day all your energy.
Figure out what work you really like to do. What do you really like to do?
Walk away from good enough in search of cant live without.
Take time to try different things. Do you like living in a city or a small town? Do you know? Have you lived in both?
Walk closely with people you love. Don't waste your time with people that make you feel less than you are.
Don't try to fastforward yourself into a life you haven't yet earned. Give this day all your energy.
Interview about marriage
In my last counseling session, I was asking my counselor what her married couples tell her about marriage. I asked what's usually hard and what's usually good? She shared a little with me and then told me I should interview women and maybe men that I know. I should ask them about their marriage and about their experiences.
It seems simple. If you want wisdom, seek it. Seek it where? Maybe in the wise women around me.
So I talked with two women today. One married for many many years and the other just recently remarried and in her second marriage. I asked them to talk with me about marriage and love and relationships. To tell me what ever they thought I should know or what they wished they had known when they were 22. I took notes (which seemed kind of weird) but I think there's value in recording what could be valuable.
Here's what I wrote:
*Be aware of their upbringing. If their upbringing is different from yours, will you be willing to accommodate through those engrained differences?
*Guys, a lot of times, treat women like their fathers treat their mothers.
*Guys don't like a nagging wife. (I thought this one was obvious, but if it would obvious I'm sure there would be less nagging women)
*There's something to be said about the way a man treats his mom.
*Pick your battles. What will matter in the long run? What really matters to you?
*Learn the best way to approach conflict.
*Grace is huge in a marriage. (I thought this was an obvious one too... but I would guess easier said than done).
*There will be days you won't like him but you force yourself to keep going. Maybe that means forcing yourself to sleep with him.
*When dating, don't look for the knight in shining armor. If you're the woman than needs a rescuer than you need to work on you before you step into a relationship. It's not any man's job or even ability to save you from yourself. Your "perfect man" will emerge in your relationship. Through your marriage and becoming friends, you'll find the knight you dreamed of.
*Before finding "him", get to the point where you respect and love yourself. You have to know what you deserve, and stand for it. "If he's calling you at 2am, that just means he couldn't find a different girl at the bar he just came home from."
*Be aware of what you're dating to find. Is it chemistry and a good kisser? Or is it things that will last through the hard times when chemistry is lost.
--I don't know if I agree or disagree with these women in ALL things they said, but it's valuable enough to me that they sat with me and shared their stories.
It seems simple. If you want wisdom, seek it. Seek it where? Maybe in the wise women around me.
So I talked with two women today. One married for many many years and the other just recently remarried and in her second marriage. I asked them to talk with me about marriage and love and relationships. To tell me what ever they thought I should know or what they wished they had known when they were 22. I took notes (which seemed kind of weird) but I think there's value in recording what could be valuable.
Here's what I wrote:
*Be aware of their upbringing. If their upbringing is different from yours, will you be willing to accommodate through those engrained differences?
*Guys, a lot of times, treat women like their fathers treat their mothers.
*Guys don't like a nagging wife. (I thought this one was obvious, but if it would obvious I'm sure there would be less nagging women)
*There's something to be said about the way a man treats his mom.
*Pick your battles. What will matter in the long run? What really matters to you?
*Learn the best way to approach conflict.
*Grace is huge in a marriage. (I thought this was an obvious one too... but I would guess easier said than done).
*There will be days you won't like him but you force yourself to keep going. Maybe that means forcing yourself to sleep with him.
*When dating, don't look for the knight in shining armor. If you're the woman than needs a rescuer than you need to work on you before you step into a relationship. It's not any man's job or even ability to save you from yourself. Your "perfect man" will emerge in your relationship. Through your marriage and becoming friends, you'll find the knight you dreamed of.
*Before finding "him", get to the point where you respect and love yourself. You have to know what you deserve, and stand for it. "If he's calling you at 2am, that just means he couldn't find a different girl at the bar he just came home from."
*Be aware of what you're dating to find. Is it chemistry and a good kisser? Or is it things that will last through the hard times when chemistry is lost.
--I don't know if I agree or disagree with these women in ALL things they said, but it's valuable enough to me that they sat with me and shared their stories.
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